Into the Unknown

Into the Unknown

   Another year is coming to an end, only 28 more days and the world will welcome in 2020.  A year ago at this very time I was in love and excited to begin building a new life and having strong arms to hold me and comfort me.  December 3, 2018, I was dreaming of the 2019 holidays with my new man, decorating the tree together and getting cozy on the couch, eating popcorn and watching holiday movies. Sadly it was not to be and here I am within the 2019 holiday season, alone. 

   I am not "alone," for I have my family and friends.  I have my loyal and loving canine daughter,  but I do not have that special someone to hold and cuddle.  To have intimate conversations and kisses.  To be physically held in arms that are loving and caring is what I miss the most.  In that way, I am alone. 

   Not having the dreams of what I had been dreaming in December of 2018 truly put a melancholy damper on my spirit as I began this holiday season.  Thanksgiving was spent with my sons, grandsons, their father and his new love along with her daughter.  I truly did enjoy myself, though the sadness was deep within.  As I reflected upon the relationship that began late 2018 and ended early 2019, I know exactly when things began changing.  What has pulled me through this year is knowing that God brings individuals into my life for a reason, a season and for a lifetime.  The gentleman that God brought into my life was for a reason.  Not for myself, but for him.  This gentleman had a very hard and troublesome life.  He had been dealt many a bad hand through his years that affected him deeply.  Through me, what I believe he learned is that God is a redeeming God.  That God's love is unconditional and forgiving.  As he told me stories of what he had been going and gone through, I could see how God brought him through and the individuals he used to guide him.  He began to seek God's Word and read the Bible.  He sought out different pastors and services online, I believe he began to see and feel God's love.  However, it is not always easy to accept the redeeming Grace of God and move forward.  Circumstances and the past can have a way of holding onto a person and it becomes the crutch that one leans and falls back upon.   By no choice of mine,  we drifted away from each other instead of drawing closer together and building the life we had spoke of.

   Shattered dreams can happen more than once in a lifetime.  My first shattered dream was when my father passed away and I knew that my sons would never have the chance to really know him.  My second shattered dream was when my second husband wanted out of our marriage and finding out that he had just planned to be with me long enough to make it look good for his citizenship.  The third shattered dream happened at the same time of my second divorce when my mother passed away. Needless to say, 2010 was a year of shattered dreams.  In the years 2013-2014,  I bounced in and out of empty and hollow relationships. October 2014, my best friend changed my life by encouraging me to go to college and earn my Bachelors.  Two years later, I purchased my own home and was building my financial stability.  Two years after that, I thought I found the man of my dreams and before 2019 had been in full swing....SHATTER!!! It was over and my heart hurt like it had not hurt in almost ten years.  This shattered dream came at a vulnerable time in my life and the result was that my financial life took the hit.  I began a lot of soul searching after I watched my financial life crumble.  By the time I realized what I was doing, it felt like this is it, I have messed up once again and there is no way out of it.  WRONG!!!!!  The soul searching began were I should have never left, with God.  Through listening to sermons, reading my daily devotions, being in God's Word, my heart was being cleansed and my soul renewed. Though I am walking in this valley, it is not were I will be come the end of 2020.  What can fall in a matter of moments, will take time, patience and trust in rebuilding.  I am hearing God's Words once again and hope fills my life.  By His Grace, I am healed and redeemed.  

   After experiencing the sadness that captured my heart, the holidays began from where I got my start.  To memories!  I baked my mom's Hermit cookies and poppy-seed cake.  Many years ago, she had found a recipe in the Pittsburgh Post Gazette for Kristmas Kruegal.  It is historically a Jewish noodle dish that an individual who had converted to Christianity, began making at the Christmas dinners.  The story and recipe were in the newspaper which my mother read daily and she decided to make it one Christmas and from then on it appeared at many of our Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners.  So it once again was on the Thanksgiving table.  As I prepared the dishes for dinner, my mind focused on my mom in the kitchen wearing her aprons.  Thoughts of my dad were there too.  Sitting at the head of the super long ugly light bluish wooden table that took up half the dining room into the living room for many years was the holiday table were we ate.  My grandma and Norpy (grandpap) Brinza, my aunts and uncles and all of the kids enjoying the holiday meals at our house.  Waking up to the smell of turkey cooking in the oven and watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade before it was time to go and get ready for dinner.  I placed my heart in the memories of old to be open for the new memories to be made this year and beyond.

   The new memories began with watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade with my grandsons, as I babysat the turkey cooking in Zach's oven that the temperature gauge was broken and so the oven heated up to 500 degrees even though it was set at 200.  Enjoying the time with family and friends.  It was truly a wonderful day and I was so tired by time I got home that bed was all I had time to think about. 

   Friday and Saturday was spent decorating my home, the home that God had blessed me with and He is sovereign over.  

      I have begun writing poetry once again.  Freeing my heart and soul has opened myself back up to the Creator who gives me words to write.  The first poem that I wrote was on the day my son had been baptized once again in his church to renew his spirit and life to Jesus.  Then I found a poem that had not been completed, and the words came flowing.
      The new Frozen II movie has a song in it about going Into the Unknown.  This is where I am heading.  I am allowing God to lead me and to cast fear and loneliness behind me.  For when Jesus is by my side, I am never alone.  I lost that when my world was shattered.  I drifted as on ocean waves, moving further and further away.  He is stronger than any ocean waves and when He knew I was ready to hear, He reeled me back in.  Into the unknown?  No, for it is written:
        "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity.[a] I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”  Jeremiah 29:11-14

   Into the unknown is where I will go

   For with my God beside me

   I do not fear for I am not alone. 

Into the unknown is where He leads

For His strength

Will help me conquer and achieve.

Into the unknown is where my hope lies

For His love is deep within my heart

For that is where Jesus resides. 

So take me God

Into the unknown

Where I can learn Your lessons

As You continue to help me grow.

Written this day, December 3, 2019 

~~Darla E. Palombia

May God bring His wonderful Grace and Glorious Blessings to you and your family this holiday season and beyond; into the unknown!